| | cour·age
–noun | 1. | the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. |
| 2. | Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion. |
the ironic thing about the first part of that definition is that the more fear i feel, the more i'm determined to be courageous. it isn't the lack of fear that moves me to act, but rather the fact that i'm so overcome with fear my feet feel 100 pounds heavier than they actually are. success in moving forward through fear produces a satisfaction beyond compare.
i'm standing in a big mess of scared and uncertain emotions lately. and it's not a fear of where i'll be, or what i'll do, or who i'll meet. it's a fear of the absence of a few of my favorite people. in my opinion these are some of the best people on this earth. they keep me sane, entertained, frustrated, laughing, crying, cursing, and blessed.
and while distance never has to be an ending to relationships, it's definitely an altering factor.
for once in this whole process my mind is only focused on the future of these relationships, and i realize that this is the only part i don't have a vision of. because people are unpredictable (myself included) i can't imagine what these relationships will look like a year from now. this is the only area of my life lacking a goal at this point, and as messed up as that may seem, it's a thrilling and terrifying feeling that moves me to push ahead. its a fear of loss, and more painful change, and of disappointment, and missing out on milestones, and even though these thoughts are choking me and bringing tears, i know i'm doing what i'm supposed to do and from my path i cannot stray.
i love my friends. i will miss them more than i can anticipate. and i know that if they're all as large a part of my life within 12 months as they are at this moment, i'll be better because of it, and hopefully they will be too.
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| | Posted 4/21/2008 12:12 AM - 43 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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