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| funny how i hardly ever log into this account anymore. this blog used to be like my heart and soul for the world to see. i checked it faithfully everyday and blogged just as much. then came myspace, then came facebook, and somehow little old xanga faded away a bit. i've been journaling in my actual journal more than anything lately. somehow that's better therapy than this thing. i've also been spending alot less time on the internet in general. i lost my laptop and the 3 years of pictures, songs, videos and journal entries i had saved went with it. i just began the expensive journey of finding someone who can hopefully retrieve all that precious information for me. then a couple weeks ago i left my ipod at a hotel and the staff "couldn't find it" when i called to inquire. i also deactivated my facebook account which is HUGE! since that thing was my life. i just woke up one day and was really tired of it and the shallow over-socialization it brought to my life. my life seems more simple without all the internet time and i really enjoy it. i read alot since i spend most of my days sitting on planes, and then when i'm at home i actually hang out with people, or take time for myself instead of logging into a site to see what everybody else's business is. life is pretty calm, pretty great right now. i feel like a kid in a candy store all the time, as i continue to experience so many new and exciting things with everyday. as this year comes to a close i am so grateful i was able to take this giant step away from everything i once knew, and venture into the great unknown. its a opportunity i feel that most people either never have, or chose to pass up. and i hope it's not the last time i get to do something like this. in a few days i will take two flights to go back to home sweet iowa. i cannot wait to spend the holidays with my family since i haven't been back in 4 months, and will get to see siblings that i haven't seen in over a year. it will be so bittersweet and lovely. i can already taste the good food, and smell my mom's house and dad's hugs, and see all the pretty decorations. there truly is no place like home for the holidays. and yet when it's time to come back to this home, i'll be ready, and happily content that i have my own place to come back to. this may be a farewell post of sorts. my use for xanga has come and gone i think, and while it served me well in my time of need, i think i'm over it. so merry christmas, happy new year, and richest blessings upon any of you that read this. so long! | | |
| whoa, heyyy...where'd october come from?hello xanga world!
has it really been almost four months since my last post?
my goodness we have some catching up to do!
after a bit of reluctance i am excited to welcome my favorite season of autumn. i think my summer went by so fast that i didn't want to see it go, even though it was a summer full of sun, fun, new places and experiences.
i went to the beach and swam in the ocean for the first time.
i spent many a hot afternoon laying by a pool.
i "did" vegas and had one of the most fun nights of my life thus far.
yes, it was a good summer 
this new day finds me anticipating the "final" move. after living with a friend's parents for the past 4 months, i'm happy to report i will be moving into a house with 3 roommates! we all have weird schedules so it will happen gradually, but i will make one more trek halfway across the country and this time i will bring my furniture and belongings with me! yes i can finally sleep in my own bed again, and have all my clothes in one place, and settle in to a room and a space all my own! can you tell i'm excited?!
i'm mostly excited about the fact i'll be living in such a great city. say what you will, b/c i realize a lot of people hate it, but i LOVE Philadelphia. i also LOVE living on the east coast. actually i pretty much just LOVE life right now!
it took a few months but i finally adjusted to the craziness of my job and the industry i work in. there was one day that i suddenly felt like i had woken up from a haze and started to feel like myself again. i became extremely motivated in my work, and in my personal life. my creativity and inspiration has returned, and i am able to face each day with much more excitement and a lot less dread. i don't mean to make it seem like things were terrible, i've never doubted at any time that i am where i am supposed to be. but it was like i had become a zombie with little awareness of myself and the life around me.
i'm so thankful this transition period is coming to a final close.
moving my stuff out here is very final, quite exhilarating, and completely terrifying. it kind of sets into motion my plans and goals for the next few years b/c i don't want to be making a move like this again for a while. as i reflect on everything i'm kind of amazed that this is all really happening. the talking is over, the doing is nearly done, and a few of my bigger dreams are actually coming to fruition.
i guess its time to come up some new dreams and keep on making things happen....
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| pinch me please...OW!
lately i've been sitting back and viewing my life with complete shock and awe.
if someone would've asked me a year ago where i saw myself in june of oh-eight, i don't think i would've had an answer. i probably would've spouted off about how i hoped to be living on the west coast or pursuing one of my dream careers, but i wouldn't have actually believed that i could be somewhere different than my hometown, my parent's house, or a dead-end job. it's crazy where desperation can take a person. it was most definitely desperation that drove me to the place where i am, but i also believe that divine intervention provided the means of transportation.
everyday i drive over the bridge and see the city skyline and my heart skips a beat. it has been nearly 5 years since i've been in an unfamiliar place exploring a new city. but being in a totally different geographic for the first time in my life makes it so much more exhilarating. it will forever amaze me how people can be from the same nation and yet be vastly different across the miles.
i meet so many people everyday and am slowly making little connections. i'm also learning many new things everyday not only about this place and other people, but sometimes i'm just reminded of things about myself that need strengthening, and yet i daily discover new things that i had not yet realized about me which is pleasantly surprising and slightly discouraging at the same time.
i've been really terrible about taking pictures lately, which is sad b/c i've been to alot of cool places and i can't believe i have no photographs to show for it! i hope to someday (soon!) have my life put together and back to a place where i can focus enough to remember i actually have my camera with me.
because honestly, as much as i'm loving my job and my new life, i'm stressed 100% of the time with alot of uncertainty hanging over my head. everyday is a fabulous adventure, and i'm still trying to enjoy every moment, but who knew sleeping and eating would become things that i have to remind myself to do?
the list of things i need to "get back to doing" grows daily, and i'm not really seeing a light at the end of this tunnel...actually i do, it's hopefully called august which will come sooner than i realize. it just seems very far away today.
hmmm...randomness. but just an update to say that i'm still alive. and someday i'll once again be an active blogger who politely responds to other's posts and comments!
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wow. it has been a long time!
i've thought about blogging a lot lately, i've just been too physically and emotionally exhausted to form creative and cohesive sentences.
in a months time i have gone through more than most people go through in a year's time. from meeting new friends, and saying goodbye to new and old friends, to spending every night in a strange city far away from home, to getting no sleep for days on end, and still having high expectations placed on your test and job performance under the most extreme circumstances. oh yeah....and having to move halfway across the country.
through all of this i've learned some lessons the hard way, making some really big mistakes along the way.
i've surprised myself consistently and definitely grown stronger in some ways, and still weaker in others.
but mostly i've just sat back and savored it all.
i was blessed upon my arrival at training to meet 4 amazing women who are my new best friends. i went into it expecting the situation to be a kind of "every man for himself" deal, and came out with lifelong friendships instead. which was pleasantly surprising.
i expect to spend the next six months (at least) waiting for my body to adjust to my crazy new career/lifestyle, which (by the way) i LOVE!
and even though i'm quite sick at the moment, i'm really looking forward too everything the future might bring. because it's all so unknown and potentially scary, but thrilling at the same time. i can see that if God has brought me this far in one piece, this is just the beginning of a very good thing.
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| cour·age
–noun | 1. | the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery. |
| 2. | Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion. |
the ironic thing about the first part of that definition is that the more fear i feel, the more i'm determined to be courageous. it isn't the lack of fear that moves me to act, but rather the fact that i'm so overcome with fear my feet feel 100 pounds heavier than they actually are. success in moving forward through fear produces a satisfaction beyond compare.
i'm standing in a big mess of scared and uncertain emotions lately. and it's not a fear of where i'll be, or what i'll do, or who i'll meet. it's a fear of the absence of a few of my favorite people. in my opinion these are some of the best people on this earth. they keep me sane, entertained, frustrated, laughing, crying, cursing, and blessed.
and while distance never has to be an ending to relationships, it's definitely an altering factor.
for once in this whole process my mind is only focused on the future of these relationships, and i realize that this is the only part i don't have a vision of. because people are unpredictable (myself included) i can't imagine what these relationships will look like a year from now. this is the only area of my life lacking a goal at this point, and as messed up as that may seem, it's a thrilling and terrifying feeling that moves me to push ahead. its a fear of loss, and more painful change, and of disappointment, and missing out on milestones, and even though these thoughts are choking me and bringing tears, i know i'm doing what i'm supposed to do and from my path i cannot stray.
i love my friends. i will miss them more than i can anticipate. and i know that if they're all as large a part of my life within 12 months as they are at this moment, i'll be better because of it, and hopefully they will be too.
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